When The Armours Are Dropped…

First published in Edge Of Humanity Magazine

My brain flips the switch when the world is too much,
Leaving me distant and free from all touch.
Without emotional ties, my daytime feels far,
A passenger travelling in a driverless car. 
Numb to the bone, with no warmth in my chest,
Performing the routine, putting feelings to rest.
I function and move through the hours that pass,
Safe in the silence behind the thick glass.

But while the daylight is distant, the night can’t be stopped,
My body drifts off and the armours are dropped.
My mind wakes up and unlocks the door,
Releasing the monsters it was forced to ignore. 
The dreams are dark, yet more real than real,
With vivid, bright colours and emotions I feel.
Held in the grip of an exhausted sleep,
I laugh out loud, and I cry so deep.
Night terrors await with an evil glee,
While memories line up to torment me. 

In the in-between world, the shadows begin,
With a phantom itch right under my skin.
Because down in the dream, I’m an addict again,
Tightening the tourniquet, searching for a vein. 
Reaching for needles I fear when awake,
Haunted by every single past mistake.
I feel the child's tears wet on my face,
The trauma that locked all my shields into place.
Where sleep should be a time to rest and repair,
Mine drags me kicking into grief and despair.

And when I am desperate to break from this state,
Sleep paralysis stands guard to bar the gate.
I lie there aware, but not aware too,
Hearing and seeing as the panic bleeds through.
My brain begs for release, but my body refuses,
Leaving me trapped in the torture it chooses.
Clawing and crawling to break through the seam,
Desperate to escape from the harrowing dream. 

Sometimes a happy moment manages to shine,
A brief, fragile spark in this dark mind of mine.
Only to fade away as I open my eyes,
Where daytime emptiness is waiting to rise.
When the morning arrives and the nightmares blur,
Relief washes over the place where they were.
I open my arms to dissociation once more,
Grateful to be numb as I step to the floor.

The horrors retreat and the armours lock tight,
Muted by day…
Surviving the night. 

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