A Day Inside My Mind..

My mind is a machine that will not stop,
With a pressure building up, right to the top. 
The morning routine must be strictly the same,
And a loop of sharp questions is calling my name:
Did I do it right? Did I miss what was due?
While I scan every shadow to check what is true.
Every compulsion is code to be run,
Type out the sequence until it is done.
An algorithm running, a sequence to feed,
Every compulsive keystroke is a script I must read.
Press enter, run the program, make the system align,
Just type it out cleanly and save the design.
OCD Code: Go room to room, make sure everything’s corrected,
In my head, this keeps us all protected. 

With hundreds of rules that are coded inside,
The rigid commands where my safety must hide.
OCD Code: Don’t tread on the markings painted on the black,
Trapped on a rigid and rule-bound track.
Yes, strangers are staring and wondering why,
I skip and hop across the zebra as I pass them by. 
OCD Code: Separate recycling, do one item alone,
Never two at a time, or the ritual's blown.

Please don’t look at me funny, don't test out my grace,
With the violent rage that is locked in its place. 
Simmering under the surface so deep,
For I don’t want attention, I want it asleep.
If you trigger my anger, I’ll definitely be seen,
And I hate being noticed or making a scene.
OCD Code: Touch every lamppost at the end of a path,
To dodge the dark fury of my disorder's wrath.

Today is a disaster, emotions are high,
Happiness feels like a rush to the sky. 
Giddy adrenaline pulsing around,
Till I write down some poetry, falling back to the ground.
Childhood memories surfacing, heavy and sad,
Crying so hard that I feel half-mad. 
Heartbreaking sobs for the child i used to be,
Then gut-wrenching guilt for pitying child-me. 
Angry with myself for the tears that I shed,
Trapped in the ghosts of the past in my head.

My brain can’t stand it, the static won’t cease,
I’m desperate for quiet and the promise of peace. 
So OCD steps in and forces its way,
OCD Code: Just five items to be eaten today.
The system is overloaded, forced to a halt,
A heavy grey silence back to default.
Yet down in the background, the logic stays stark,
The rules never sleep in the chill of the dark.
OCD Code: Follow the freshly paved seams in the street,
Where the geometry dictates where I place my feet. 

I don’t understand people, I copy their way,
Imitate laughter to get through the day.
Are they looking at me funny? Are they doubting my show?
Can they tell I’m not the same if they look below?
I can’t do it anymore, systems overcome, 
I need to escape so my brain just goes numb. 
OCD Code: Tap three times as you enter the frame,
No grey is allowed, and my choices stay the same:
Good or bad. Truth or a lie. Box A or Box B,
Everything must fit in one box, or it passes by me. 
Untruths are not allowed, I must only speak true,
Brutally honest in every single thing that I do.
They don’t like the truth, so I swallow the word,
A prisoner locked by the truth undeterred.

OCD Code: Put items moved by the household back in place,
BPD makes me talk at far too fast a pace. 
So OCD steps in to freeze me up cold,
Now I’m blunt as a weapon, too sharp to behold.
And people dislike that. So better to choose,
To not speak at all, since I'm bound to lose.
OCD Code: Correct false details defined,
Only true facts are allowed in my mind.
Attacked for not agreeing, but I will not yield an inch,
For OCD won't allow me to back away or flinch.

OCD Code: Count the steps as you go,
Run through the day's interactions below.
Questions, questions, on an endless loop spun:
Did I do it right? Did I look undone?
Did I stand out too much? Do they think I’m insane? 
Of course they can’t tell…but the terror's still plain.
Fear makes me panic and emotions go raw,
OCD decides that it’s preparing for war. 

OCD Code: Add a new rule to the pile.
Read a book that just shattered me, stripping my smile. 
Crying and angry, then numbness takes hold,
OCD Code: Prayers at night, exactly retold.
Same words, same amount, to keep us safe in the dark,
Can’t sleep. Brain is spinning. Ideas continue to spark. 
Overthinking the day. More questions ahead,
Completely wiped out as I sink in to bed.
My mind won’t slow and I’m so tired I could weep,
One last prayer—Please Lord, just let me sleep…

Exhaustion