You Can’t Understand Me…

You walk through a world where the paths are all clear,
Where people breathe easily and your life is sincere. 
They coast on their instincts, they bend and they blend,
With a middle-ground buffer from start to the end.

They don’t know the weight of a binary code,
Or counting the invisible lines on the road.
They don’t live in boxes marked bad or marked good,
Or run on a grid that was built in the blood.

My honesty strips all the pleasantries bare,
My OCD doesn't permit a false air.
You say that you want the unvarnished and true,
Till the unvarnished fact is too sharp even for you.

My BPD runs with a current so high,
I’m sobbing or soaring straight up to the sky.
Twenty emotions compressed in an hour,
A storm that surpasses all reason and power.

And simmering under the surface of things,
A rage that is waiting for whatever it brings.
I monitor constantly, locking it tight,
To keep the raw violence from reaching the light.

Then sudden dissociation pulls down the veils,
The circuits blow out and the processing fails.
I’m only half here while the rest of me stays,
Erased in the present, with no yesterdays.

My past has no feeling, a ghost on a screen,
Just bare data left where the soul should have been.
The emotion is wiped, so it doesn't seem real,
Just living in now with no past I can feel.

I deal in hard logic. You cannot debate.
My OCD splits every choice at the gate:
Box A or Box B, there is no middle ground,
No soft place to land and no grey to be found.

You look at my rituals, thinking me blind,
A four-year-old child’s system stuck in my mind.
I know it’s irrational and it doesn’t protect,
But I still follow the rules and they must be correct. 

Five items of food a day, two hours pedalling away,
Extreme rigid rules that I am bound to obey.
I do not love people, I keep them apart,
A coldness by design, not a failure of heart.

Except for my son, who is woven inside,
The one single exception where warmth is allied.
I come across blunt, like a wall made of stone,
A fortress of safety, defended alone.

I didn’t ask for my brain to be rewired,
Or for the BPD, and OCD that it sired.
I am different. I know it. You see it as well,
A creature apart, that survived through the hell.