The Girl I Should Have Been…

WHILE I counted out prayers to the God up above,
To keep me from harm and to show me some love,
SHE sang to the radio, enjoying the ride,
With the wind in her hair and a heart full of pride. 

WHILE I hid in my bedroom, a sanctuary sought,
To escape from the anger and rage as they fought,
SHE was out with her friends in the warmth of the day,
Living easy and laughing the hours away.

WHILE I answered a drunk,  paranoid father in strain,
Walking eggshells to hide all my terror and pain,
SHE listened to stories her mother would read,
With a gentle goodnight and a comforting lead.

WHILE I stared at a stranger I hated in the glass,
Watching hollow-eyed ghosts as the centuries pass,
SHE took time with her hair and her makeup each day,
Sure of who she became as she went on her way.

WHILE I begged my poor mother to pack up and flee,
Hoping safety would finally awaken for me,
SHE was tucked in each night where no angry word stirred,
And no worry or no threat of a nightmare occurred.

WHILE I hated the holidays waiting with dread,
The alcohol flowing and the chaos ahead,
SHE was opening presents with joy in her heart,
Not knowing the things that tear families apart.

WHILE I never had friends cross the threshold or floor,
Guarding darkness and violence behind a locked door,
SHE had sleepovers laughing till morning light broke,
In a home where no shadow or danger awoke.

WHILE I cried myself blind till my pillow was soaked,
Gasping hard in the dark where my spirit was choked,
SHE dreamed of first kisses and futures untold,
Sleeping safe in the warmth of the stories of old.

WHILE I skived out of school four days out of the seven,
Hiding away from the teachers since the age of eleven,
SHE was popular, thriving, and safe in the sun,
Enjoying her school life and having such fun.

WHILE I stole from compulsion and sank in deep shame,
Guilty, desperate, and shouldering the blame,
SHE spent her pocket money on trinkets and toys,
Untainted and clear from the grief and the noise.

WHILE I swallowed down drugs at just twelve to escape,
Screaming ghosts in the dark without form or a shape,
SHE went out to the movies with friends she had made,
Making memories of a lifetime that would never fade. 

WHILE I carved up my skin just to prove I was real,
Watching blood flow drop by drop just to actually feel,
SHE drew on fake tattoos with a pen and with ink,
Showing off with her friends to see what they think.

WHILE I wore every mask just to blend in the crowd,
Drowning panic inside so I cried not aloud,
SHE was popular, happy, and standing out bright,
Loved for who she was, living easy and light.

WHILE I swallowed my fists to hold down a dark rage,
Emotions so strong they took center stage,
She walked on a path she could call all her own,
Where life was just easy and fear was unknown.

WHILE I mastered each trick just to look like the rest,
Faking smiles, all the while, my heart broken in my chest,
SHE loved who she was and felt certain of life,
Needing nothing to shield her from the shadow and strife.

WHILE I never learned love, never shown what it meant,
Trapped with a heart that was battered and bent,
SHE met the perfect man and built a bright home,
Starting a new family, she’d never be alone. 

WHILE I lived a cruel childhood that I had to survive,
Leaving my brain rewired from keeping me alive,
SHE breezed through the days as she lived it so free,
While I was left shattered and broken as ME.