The Difference Between Us…

I watch my child throughout the day, so full of warmth and light,
He laughs and plays without a care from morning until night.
He lives within a gentle world where joy is all he knows,
Where safety is a quiet thing that effortlessly grows.

And yet, at times, the contrast hits and chills me to the bone,
To see his freedom next to all the terror I have known.
A child of peace who takes for granted every safe enfold,
Against the child who learnt to shrink and vanish in the cold. 

I grew up believing that the world was built on fear,
Where living was a constant threat, relentless and severe.
No sanctuary in the dark, no place to run or hide,
Just rules and prayers I counted out to keep the storm outside.

I see what was stolen when I look at him today,
The innocence I never knew, the chance to simply play.
He knows of no alternative, he never will or can,
While I carry all the blueprints of how the horror ran.

My heart is broken—not for me—the glass keeps us apart,
Emotional amnesia put a guard up, from the very start.
It breaks for the brave young girl who lived in constant dread,
Who built a wall inside her mind to protect her fragile head.

She tried so hard with magic words to stop the falling blade,
She couldn't change the world she knew, or undo how it was made.
She did the only thing she could against the heavy strain,
She fought her way through day and night and managed to remain.

I never longed for motherhood, I lacked the inner grace,
I had no soft attachment or instinct to embrace.
But when I knew a life was coming, one thing was decreed:
He’d never know the war I fought, or ever learn to bleed.

Without the spark, without the bond, I swore an iron vow,
To make his world a safe retreat, the way it stands right now.
And though the mirror hurts to see, and cuts me like a knife,
I gave to him the happiness I lacked in early life.

The hardest part is not the things that happened in my past,
It's how the shadows reach ahead and hold me in their cast.
It keeps its influence over me, dictating my ordeal,
Yet I am holding all the power to allow the wound to heal.

One day I hope the walls will thin and let the feelings rise,
To reach the child behind the glass and look into her eyes.
She won't be just a brave young girl I watch through memory,
The shield will drop, the splits will close, and she will just be me…

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