Judgement Day…

My BPD spikes with a sudden design,
While OCD draws an inflexible line.
One surges with chaos, impulsive and raw,
The other is cold and prepared for a war.
They lock in a cycle, opposing and tense,
Constructing a framework of rigid defence. 
With logic and fury contending for ground,
The system runs heavy, unrelenting and bound. 

To cross through the city, to pass on the street,
Requires a calculated placement of feet. 
The double yellow markers that line up the road,
Are spaces forbidden by strict OCD code.
A rule built at age four, carved into the stone,
To bring me some order when I felt so alone. 
The magazines straightened in rows on the rack,
While keeping the dangerous impulses back.
I tidy the shelves, desperate to remain unseen,
But there’s no denying the compulsive machine. 
Small talk is a burden, a tedious deceit,
Where every light greeting is met as defeat.
Everyone I see viewed in black and white sight,
Assigned to strict boxes of wrong or of right.

I study my features to look for a trace,
To check if the torments are marked on my face.
I search my own eyes for the evidence stored,
Do trauma and disorders make me look flawed?
Can anyone notice the rules that I keep,
The ancient rituals buried so deep?
The mirroring that tells me how to mimic you,
The mask from behind which I am looking through. 

And yet, I am concealing the battle in my head,
Covering the panic with every step tread. 
Pretending the riot is silent and still,
While running it all on the last of my will.
When dialogue ends and the social is past,
The energy shatters, too brittle to last.
To keep up the standard, to carry the load,
Until every circuit is ready to explode.
I’m tempted to shatter the glass and the veil,
To drop the pretence and let them prevail.
To allow others to judge me, to call me insane,
Because nothing is healed by burying the strain.
To be my true self, let the wild shadows show,
No hiding my OCD, let BPD just flow.
But for now it stays secret, I keep up the play,
With just one question: When is my judgement day?

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