Once Upon A Time…

Once upon a time, in a world built on grace,
I lived in a story of warmth and embrace.
My Dad sang and danced to make me smile,
Driving fast in the car just to thrill me for a while.
My mum was so happy, we gardened for hours,
Visiting family and picking up flowers.
At Christmas, the presents were piled up under the tree,
I fell asleep content, untroubled, and carefree. 
I had loads of friends playing out in the yard,
And life was so easy, untouched and unmarred.

It was a brilliant illusion, a comforting spell,
A custom-made heaven to block out the hell.
I had hid in the haze to keep ghosts locked away,
Using drugs to survive and keep the horror at bay.
Addiction wiped clean every terrifying trace,
And pasted a smile on my childhood's dark face.
Dad stopped the worst of the drinking and blows,
So I swallowed the fiction and buried the woes.
I needed that fairytale, desperate and blind,
To bury the shadows and rescue my mind.

Then the storybook tore, and the castle gave way,
As the truth rushed right back to sweep heaven away.

When I put down the drugs and I looked at my son,
The dam broke right open, the nightmare begun.
Depression rolled in, and the false magic died,
Stripping the covers off where I had cried.
The happy young girl was a ghost made of smoke, 
And the truth blew her away when everything broke.

The real chapter opened with pillows pressed tight,
To muffle the screams in the dead of the night.
Sobbing my heart out, hiding in my bed,
Woken at midnight with terror and dread.
Mum pulling me out to escape through the door,
Only for Dad’s car to pull up once more.
Dragging us back with a promise to mend,
A sickening loop with no permanent end.

Dad was a drinker, his face in a sneer,
Transforming our home to a prison of fear.
He accused my poor mother of wandering eyes,
And shattered the glass with his furious cries.
On the way to the child-minder, I’d panic and pray,
Counting my words so she’d spare me that day.
Whenever it worked I felt safe and secure,
When it didn't work out, I just added one more.

No friends were allowed. If I brought someone home,
Dad caused a scene so I stayed on my own. 
Mum told me all families lived through the same,
While I hid in my bedroom and carried the blame.
The vicious child-minder was brutal and mean,
And Daddy was violent in his drunken extreme.
Mum was detached, offering no relief,
Leaving me drowning alone in my grief.
I cut just to numb, but it wouldn’t ever last,
Turning to drugs to erase the pain of my past.
A chemical curtain, a desperate flight,
To escape from the torment and wipe out the fright. 

The fairytale held till the substances cleared,
And my sweet little boy in my arms then appeared.
That pure, fragile life broke the fog in my head,
And the fiction I lived in fell down and dropped dead.
It was never a fairytale, and it was never real,
Just a desperate girl’s illusion to survive an ordeal.